tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-155748142024-03-07T20:20:38.098+11:00criticalsensescriticalsenses is somaya langley - an australian interested in things like ideas, art, creative practice, events & festivals, publicly available information, technology, travel, mobility and society; particularly how it all weaves together.
right now she's rethinking life & wondering what nextAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04451723111629404085noreply@blogger.comBlogger316125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574814.post-88957690094081657312016-07-11T23:18:00.001+10:002016-07-12T02:09:38.288+10:00wordlessright now i don't really have words. an incredible, smart young woman i'm friends with - that i met thru a former workplace - is rapidly receding from life.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BRJmL0KbAR4/V4PD3pMApxI/AAAAAAAABPg/_MoYARgZ01QjRMX2PVb0VnjN7ooqe4Q_wCK4B/s1600/alex_liz.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BRJmL0KbAR4/V4PD3pMApxI/AAAAAAAABPg/_MoYARgZ01QjRMX2PVb0VnjN7ooqe4Q_wCK4B/s320/alex_liz.jpg" width="294" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Liz & the last drink I'll ever buy her</td></tr>
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in the two years she found out she had stage 4 cancer, she has turned herself into a writer, crafting words around all the gory, disgusting & difficult things that cancer delivers... & how bodies fail. with her quick wit - having learnt so much about cancer, organs, treatment & operations - she has been able to communicate this experience to the rest of her networks<br />
<br />
https://skybetweenbranches.wordpress.com/<br />
<br />
and wider<br />
http://www.abc.net.au/radionational/programs/lifematters/dying-young:-elizabeth-caplice/7439872 <br />
<br />
thru all this she has still been unapologetically, herself. <br />
<br />
and yet i am wordlessAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04451723111629404085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574814.post-51715777599194681852016-06-06T21:55:00.000+10:002016-06-11T12:58:03.585+10:00Failure is... <b><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><i>part of <a href="http://failure-lab.com/events/sydney-2016/" target="_blank">Failure:Lab</a> Vivid Ideas Festival 2016</i></span></b><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Listen to recording:</span> <span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><a href="https://soundcloud.com/simone-sheridan/failurelab-sydney-somaya-langley" target="_blank">https://soundcloud.com/simone-sheridan/failurelab-sydney-somaya-langley </a></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; tab-stops: 348.0pt; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; tab-stops: 348.0pt; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; tab-stops: 348.0pt; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">So let’s just get this out there – I’m a failed Sound Artist.
Actually, I’m a failed Sound Artist <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">and</i>
a failed Producer. The story I’m going to tell you is about creative collaboration
that spans two personal relationships; two collaborative partnerships. Two
stories that – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">at least in my mind – </i>have
interwoven into one. One meta-failure.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">To me, failure is about grief.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Many years ago I was deeply in love with and living with another artist.
The connection we had (at least from my perspective) was beyond intense. I
wanted absolutely to <span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">have it all, y’know</span>
– be one of those “arts power couples”. We lived in Japan together for a bit and
then began working collaboratively on audiovisual projects. (But I was probably
pushing my desires for creative collaboration onto him.)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">A couple of years into our relationship we’d pulled off two significant funding
opportunities – a major grant and a commission. Not bad for two
twenty-somethings.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">An Australian media arts organisation, called Experimenta, had commissioned
us to produce an interactive audiovisual installation. It was about the sense of
isolation in large cities – a work we called “alone/apart”. (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Should’ve given that name a bit more
thought.</i>) </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Things were a bit weird and one evening he came home and dumped my ass
with a 20-minute leaving speech - telling me that he was seeing someone else we
both knew. So, while I was packing up and moving out <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">that very same night</i>, he took her to his work Christmas party. You
can’t fault him on his efficiency.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Despite this deeply traumatising situation, I was so wedded to our
creative project, particularly the ideas in it – I refused to let it go. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Against everyone else’s better judgement –<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> cause I clearly had no idea what I was thinking</i> – I refused to
‘let go’ of the commission. I didn’t want him to take all the credit for the concept.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">In order to for he and I to work together, the commissioning
organisation had to meet with us to organise a mediator. One hot late summer’s afternoon,
we met at the café with an Experimenta staff member, who had to mediate a
meeting between us in order to organise a mediator. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Have a think about that for a minute…)</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">With the mediator, we spent several months meeting each fortnight to
develop the project (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">again</i> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">in a public space of course – as I
supposedly know all the tricks about deescalating difficult situations</i>). The
process damaged me beyond belief. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Needless to say, the work wasn’t ‘excellent’. He wasn’t speaking to me (he’d
only speak via the mediator) and I was on the verge of tears the whole time
anyway. As a result alone/apart was never exhibited by Experimenta… or anyone
else. They still chose to pay us (though god knows why). The project was an utter
failure.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I never made audiovisual installations with anyone else ever again.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Somehow, the end of my relationship and creative partnership threw me
into a place where I found my voice, my creative voice.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I even performed a sound art piece on April Fool’s Day (which incidentally
would’ve been our 4-year anniversary) at a Sound Art event he and his new girlfriend
were running. (They were both visual artists.)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">My performance ended with “well fuck you, and fuck your art”. If he was
no longer speaking to me, and I had things to say, then why not put them out
there, in front of 100 others.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">For a while he, his new girlfriend and I all lived in the same small
city, and it was truly awful. I eventually threw myself into the world and
moved to Berlin (something that he and I had been planning to do together; we’d
even been going to German language evening classes). </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Instead, I did it alone. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Berlin was both a personal and creative re-emergence for me. I had found
my home; the place where I truly belonged. I made new friends there – who are
now like family to me. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Two weeks before my visa ran out and I had to leave Berlin, I met my
second personal/creative soulmate. It was a different connection, but as I
found out years later – it was even more connected and intense. That’s another
story, however<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">, and Hindsight’s a real
bitch.</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I was even happier to connect with this new person because he wasn’t an artist.
He was a technician (a sound engineer) - so I was pretty relieved, actually. We
met working together on a Sound Art festival. He was the technical director, I
was his tech assistant. It was the burgeoning of another collaborative
partnership. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">To me, this was my second chance. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">As I’d lost so much in my first big breakup, it was a huge deal, a
MASSIVE fucking DEAL for me to introduce this new guy to my friends and my
creative networks. (And, I told him so.) Despite the risks, I took the leap and
offered him connections, networks and opportunities here in Australia. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">As I no longer had a visa that enabled me to live in Berlin, nor did he have
one to live in Sydney, we straddled two countries, going backwards and forwards
– working together when we were geographically co-located and even when we were
apart. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Sometimes I was his tech assistant and, other times I ran the show, with
him working to me. (He definitely didn’t like that as much.) </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The day after Valentines Day (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">he
knew I hated Hallmark occasions</i>), he asked me to marry him… and started referring
to me as his fiancé (something I’d never experienced before… and haven’t since).
I sunk everything I had, my heart, my soul, my evenings and all my fucking finances
into being together – working towards an “intent to marry” visa.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">(A visa that – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">should you need to
know</i> – only lasts for 9 months. We started calling it the ‘knocked-up’
visa). In fact, this was a recommendation he’d been given by staff at the Australian
embassy in Berlin, should we want to expedite the process.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Incidentally – I’d busted an ankle around this time, just after running
a major festival. (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">My friends told me I
needed a break – but that’s not kind they meant.</i>) With a major injury, I
wasn’t in a place to relocate back to Berlin until I’d sorted the ankle shit
out. Hence asking him to move here for a bit…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I turned down invitations to play gigs so that I could ‘spend time with
him’ when he was here in OZ. And – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">since
I had to stay here for a bit</i> – I’d even sacrificed a paid career that I really
wanted, working as a part-time Producer at the ABC. In order to pull off his visa,
I needed a full-time job (the whole “eligible sponsor” thing for the Australian
Government). The only full-time job on offer was in the city I’d left behind
(with all those memories of my previous big bad ex). It was also in a different
field, outside of the arts. (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">So yeah, I
didn’t want to go back there.) </i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I told him that going back there was my Joker. My post-Armageddon
“Somaya is desperate for paid work to pay her rent (and in this case pay for a
visa)”… The one last card up my sleeve. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">But I loved him so damn much, I threw that card down on the table. Hard.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I thought I was tough. I thought that – even though I didn’t want to go
back to that city (the one with the memories of the big bad ex) – I’d overcome difficult times alone overseas without income.
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I had nothing to prepare me for what came next. Due to a workplace-bullying
situation in the new job, I wasn’t coping. And in turn, he couldn’t cope with
the depressive spiral I was rapidly sliding into. I was alone, in a city that I
deeply disliked, without friends, and in a terrible workplace situation. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I awoke one morning to an email that read, “don’t ever call me…” To this
day, we have never spoken again.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">In case you need to know - it only takes 7 minutes to read an "I'm ending it" email… twice.
Germans: guillotiningly efficient. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Unlike the end of my first creative and personal partnership,
when my ass was dumped via email, I didn’t find my creative voice. And I still
haven’t.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br />
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Not only have I not built any creative working partnerships, I’ve not
been able to be creative at all. It’s like a massive four-year-long constipation.
The sacrifices I made for our relationship were immense and, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">as I’ve found out</i>, not ones I’ve been
able to reverse. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Not only did I lose him, I lost our creative working partnership (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">something I don’t really have words to
express just how much I miss</i>), and, no one has ever invited me to perform
or exhibit ever again.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I also lost my beloved Berlin (because – no more visa), I lost friends
(he made a grab for some of those), and I lost professional networks in the
arts. I also lost the career I’d wanted as a Producer. To this day, I’ve never
been able to land another producer or production manager role.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">
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<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt;">My failure – doing this damn shit twice.</span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I’ve always said it’s not the end of relationship that does the damage –
it’s how someone ends it and everything they do afterwards. I was lucky enough
to have found my second chance in Berlin, but it seems, there are some losses
that are too great to bear. The creative wind seems to have been completely
knocked out of me this time.</span></div>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04451723111629404085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574814.post-85464367518161650212015-09-03T23:26:00.000+10:002015-09-04T02:16:33.823+10:00to the girl i will not meet<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3RpvybYuEOw/Veg1uWeRTPI/AAAAAAAABFA/avchObUsAVg/s1600/toagirlihopeinevermeet.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3RpvybYuEOw/Veg1uWeRTPI/AAAAAAAABFA/avchObUsAVg/s320/toagirlihopeinevermeet.png" width="188" /></a></div>
many of us were once you....in that moment, we all believed would last a lifetime.<br />
<br />
i've been considering writing this, since much earlier this year, when i was contacted by someone i didn't know. i listened to their experience & wished i had done so much more back then. even if no one believed me (because ex-girlfriends are always crazy, right?!). because i hadn't spoken out, this person had been hurt in ways they couldn't comprehend. (how can you really explain to someone they'll never wrap their head around someone else's behaviour, no matter how long they analyse it?) as someone, who is presumably (at least a couple of years) older than you, i have a responsibility to speak out - in the hope that you won't ever experience his hurt, in the same way that i did. this is not because i am bitter. (yes - there are definitely some things i am bitter about. that is not what i'm writing about here tho.) though really, as you are someone who does not know of this (open) letter's existence, nor that you are the recipient, i'm trusting this message will be passed along, making it's way to you, when you need it.<br />
<br />
i believed every moment was real - until it was ended. brutally.<br />
<br />
i believed every word of forever & the connection that i cannot put into words (you know the one i mean, the one where you know what he is feeling even though he is on the other side of the world. or he knows where to find you in a city at night - just because his gut tells him where u are - when your phone has run out of batteries). until it was severed. i was informed that the life i absolutely lived for, no longer existed. by email. not even a phone call, or skype. i had no say in it, despite committing to 'us' more than anything. i am sorry that all i had to offer, still wasn't enough. <br />
<br />
that email delivered a message: i no longer had a right to anything. everything was removed. i was never offered an actual chance to resolve a situation i believed in wholeheartedly. partially, this is because of you. i knew of your existence before social media did. whether anyone believes it or not, my soul (& i) cried for a reason i didn't know why, that Sunday back in May, a couple of years ago. you weren't to know that i was trying to coordinate his & my meeting up somewhere in the world; to resolve what i could, to possibly gain closure. to not have it be the way it is now - completely nonexistent. you crossed his path, so i never sent the reply i'd written to his request.<br />
<br />
i have been informed of - and have now seen evidence of - the current happiness you have & i can't, nor wouldn't, take that away from you. as another woman on this planet, i don't want you to hurt as i have.<br />
<br />
believe in each day, in each moment. ensure that this happiness comes from inside yourself. people can affect us in incredible ways. good and bad. i am someone deeply susceptible to this. (i absolutely believed the words he spoke: soulmate, forever, his
feelings never changing. he was my fiancé, i was his tech assistant, we were partners - personally & professionally - so what wasn't there to
believe?) this guillotining of my soulmate-ship, my life partnership, my collaborative working relationship... all of those things i was committed to as much as you are now, being taken away has been the hardest lesson. it is not an experience i would welcome on anyone in a million years. i was unfortunate to be informed every moment of realness i believed in was not true & that "...you don't know anything about me and my live [sic]". i hope, in your case, that you've been granted the truth right from the start.<br />
<br />
the end of the life that i desperately wanted & loved, also affected those around me. friends who were as shocked as i was, & who grieved, knowing i could no longer live close to them. (now separated by oceans - with no (legal) way to resolve this distance. these friends, i consider my family, who i now see only once every few years.) other friends, also lost their friendships that morning too.<br />
<br />
while everything is incredible now & you are on top of the world together at the moment, please remember all it can take is an elbow from someone, for you to topple off. while you might believe that your life is what you make of it, realise that no-one gets to where they get to - the pinnacle or the base - without the influence of others. no one 'succeeds' from within a vacuum, or without support. none of today's refugees (adults or children) stepping onto dangerous boats to cross the Mediterranean to escape their wartorn homelands, are in their real-life life & death situation entirely of their own doing. if you believe you create everything in your life, you might also believe, if anything ever turns sour, that this is also your fault.<br />
<br />
we all have incredible opportunities, moments of good fortune, traumas & losses of different kinds. they are not always entirely of our own doing. i have been just as lucky and cursed as anyone else in life. definitely incredibly lucky that i have had a soulmate connection with two people, as he has now too. what he & i had, meant the world to me. i can safely assume it means the world to you now.<br />
<br />
remember that a healthy amount of questioning and trusting your gut, is something you should never shut down. if i had done, a conversation many months earlier might have brought a respectful closure to something that i never wanted to end. it might have lessened my heartache & perhaps i wouldn't have been a fool to rent two places in two cities for someone else, only to have them never arrive. instead, like the deafening slap of a palm contacting a cheek, the life i loved & lived for, was guillotined. (at least my gut instinct awoke.) <br />
<br />
clichéd as it might be, you are the upgrade model. you have a better chance than i did. please live the life you have now to the fullest, which i expect you are, and also with your eyes open.<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04451723111629404085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574814.post-42635389159545655312014-10-17T00:56:00.001+11:002014-10-17T00:56:23.914+11:00china girl<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MuM5sN3CDCw/VD_ODH0panI/AAAAAAAAA7Y/siMn48IEdXI/s1600/chinagirl.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MuM5sN3CDCw/VD_ODH0panI/AAAAAAAAA7Y/siMn48IEdXI/s1600/chinagirl.jpg" height="640" width="395" /></a></div>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04451723111629404085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574814.post-75413189106965866072014-09-15T23:50:00.000+10:002014-09-15T23:50:06.727+10:00around here<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjypVoqCBJtMzec4BsGWfAFLCVpbL8CjEFfFxRAqysMNOJB0EUPKYNirs3pKLERyizQUU-xBkat6KG3_Q1znryBkJjrtRydFqD_F3x1QponWp3RBpwVB9aiEpjFuAII_2H63RqH/s1600/IMG_0876.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjypVoqCBJtMzec4BsGWfAFLCVpbL8CjEFfFxRAqysMNOJB0EUPKYNirs3pKLERyizQUU-xBkat6KG3_Q1znryBkJjrtRydFqD_F3x1QponWp3RBpwVB9aiEpjFuAII_2H63RqH/s1600/IMG_0876.JPG" height="300" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">cosy</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04451723111629404085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574814.post-8644071532708079312014-09-15T23:49:00.000+10:002014-09-15T23:51:22.596+10:00adiós frío<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-20c4TCvaw-A/VBbt8y_-tOI/AAAAAAAAA6U/9CNxEFx9FVM/s1600/IMG_0904.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-20c4TCvaw-A/VBbt8y_-tOI/AAAAAAAAA6U/9CNxEFx9FVM/s1600/IMG_0904.JPG" height="400" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">budding...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04451723111629404085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574814.post-55613209924924072412014-09-15T23:43:00.000+10:002014-09-15T23:43:34.120+10:00lost compadre<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiooQvcmOIOkOLU1xOWGxhICeN7v96WQj5jxF36g6J1Dnz1HaYDEve9xxfckfHeolEDrR4yPV8XxviX9xDADiIE9J3-VzjOgEGOGtnwTg1EfD7oPn2Zove24h9Ja5Kk3JGgbOgr/s1600/IMG_0888.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiooQvcmOIOkOLU1xOWGxhICeN7v96WQj5jxF36g6J1Dnz1HaYDEve9xxfckfHeolEDrR4yPV8XxviX9xDADiIE9J3-VzjOgEGOGtnwTg1EfD7oPn2Zove24h9Ja5Kk3JGgbOgr/s1600/IMG_0888.JPG" height="400" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What a heel.</td></tr>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04451723111629404085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574814.post-80933603994055306732014-09-10T02:26:00.002+10:002015-09-03T23:29:14.101+10:00two weeks on <br /><br /><br /> <br /><br /> 4th May: your words<br /><br /><br /> hey ,<br /><br />…..fuck somaya,i actually don´t wanna do this,reading you´r posts, sorry when i read post that´s not intended for me, but i have to give a comment on this….<br /><br />i still have feelings for you…but not in the way you wanna i have…i really really wanna be still you´r friend, but i don´t think the relationship works. ...i don´t feel in the relationship wise feeling. you a really great and special person and please don't rethink about you´r plans coming to berlin and study. <br /><br /><br /> i´m getting angry and unhappy when we have to talk about this. thats frustrating and hurting and killing feelings. <br /><br /> i always enjoyed the sex with you,really never had better one before.<br /><br /><br />i still will support you when you will come to berlin or what ever is you´r plans. i don´t wan´t that you rethink about you´r plans that bringing you forward in you´r career.<br /><br />so question from me to you…really serious: can we just friends for a while?<br /><br />and for you´r question of speaking about this. ...i would say october is a good month to meet somewhere in the world. maybe for a week. and then we can speak and look how we handle this.<br /><br />ch<br /><br /><br /> <br /><br /> yet by the 20th May, there was her<br /><br /><br />[2012]Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04451723111629404085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574814.post-41987689684051520242014-08-13T02:00:00.002+10:002014-08-13T02:05:55.958+10:00food haunting & memories<b>making the food of someone that has departed your life is always complicated.</b><br />
it brings many memories & emotions & yet.... for whatever the reason, there are days that just seem like the right day to be doing it.<br />
<br />
<b>my father had</b> a partner for several years, he built up this whole new relationship & then realised he wasn't happy. his partner was happy, and she was lovely. her son wasn't so happy. he just wanted to be with his dad, not some man who didn't want to have to spend time with him.<br />
<br />
anyway, in between the somewhat excitement of a tween setting up a new house and family situation, after loosing my family, where i got to choose the paint for my bedroom wall (the only time i've ever been able to do that ever, given the long-running rental share-house accommodation i've ended up living in ever since...) the colour i chose was deep purple, so it kinda looked like a witchy den. but far more pristine. the only good thing about that relationship not lasting is that i soon would've come to regret the slightly oppressive colour palate i'd chosen.<br />
<br />
<b>when we weren't painting the walls, theresa would make pancakes</b> with me. large round ones with slices of apple or peach laid out like the spokes of a wheel on one side of the pancake. these were delicious. and probably my best memories of that time & those people. the making of the apfelpfannkuchen. by mid-late 1991, my father had ended that relationship and i didn't really see theresa or her son alex ever again.<br />
<br />
<i>i must have photos of these weekend pancake mornings somewhere, badly stored, in less than desirable archival conditions.</i><br />
<br />
<br />
<b>ive been thinking</b> a lot about this lately, the signature of those no longer a part of your life. whether by death, or heart break or otherwise... a 'signature' on so many levels.<br />
<br />
<b>at christmas time, christian</b> used to make christmas cookies from his mother's recipe. he would bake a few batches and i'd try to see if i could subsist on these alone. some days, i did pretty darn fine.<br />
<br />
we would improvise, using a vodka bottle as a rolling pin, probably not the right kind of jam, given we were doing in sydney and down the coast at a place near tilba. i'm sure that the german marmelades would have been far better for these kinds of biscuits, but i loved them all the same. they were something so special. to him, to me, to us.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqs_E__GfpsO-uSrogoTnkvPduFNihUTb96VqG0wJa4VBU53dx1RGKvHY4mA2BLD1JPgft6cYSvJjErwv2ewejtXGiLai-4jgVQ22FoLdlQYZSAHkZinrGnTxLDFzplEwzgolD/s1600/improvisin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqs_E__GfpsO-uSrogoTnkvPduFNihUTb96VqG0wJa4VBU53dx1RGKvHY4mA2BLD1JPgft6cYSvJjErwv2ewejtXGiLai-4jgVQ22FoLdlQYZSAHkZinrGnTxLDFzplEwzgolD/s1600/improvisin.jpg" height="300" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">improvisin</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
then we'd cut them out with star cookie cutters, stick a layer of marmalade in between them with the tops having an extra smaller star cut out for the sticky-ness to poke thru. i never did get to make these in the winter in berlin with christian, nor make them with his mum. so many regrets. always.<br />
<br />
<b>as for my greek grandmother</b>, while the thought of her synonymous is with the smell of onion or leek, frying in olive oil, the dish that she made was the mediterranean baked potato dish that seemed to be warm & tangy; tasting of lemon & tomatoes. i learnt to cook many other things with her, but that is sone thing that really stands out: an almost wabisabi flavour.<br />
<br />
<i>again, photos are in the 'archives'. (those dodgy archives)</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<b>a previous partner's mother</b> made some pretty awesome meals for her kids (to which i just added myself to the cohort). the best & favourite of these was french onion soup, accompanied by the little toasty bits with melted cheese, then dunked in the soup, if i remember...<br />
<br />
<b>my dad wasn't the greatest cook</b>, but he taught me the pleasures of fried cheese over a campfire and cooked tomatoes on buttery toast for breakfast on a cold dark winter morning. those two foods - tho not elaborate - will always remind me of him.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>i'm wondering what my signature dish will ever be</b>. risotto with asparagus & blanched almonds? buckets of fried halloumi at parties (not that i get to go to many of these any more as my friends are too distant/i'm too remote), or the winter full of veggie soups i regularly cooked up on a friday nite for the prez flatties. <b>i miss those times there. i miss them & i wanna go back....</b><br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04451723111629404085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574814.post-34117142879552359602014-08-06T08:25:00.000+10:002014-08-06T08:28:33.737+10:00career change<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HN89oe2A89o/U-FZCPAJKnI/AAAAAAAAA4s/Trir2A0bIT4/s1600/IMG_5405.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HN89oe2A89o/U-FZCPAJKnI/AAAAAAAAA4s/Trir2A0bIT4/s1600/IMG_5405.JPG" height="640" width="424" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">from here</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04451723111629404085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574814.post-77321364267711783042014-07-10T08:04:00.003+10:002014-07-10T08:05:27.882+10:00rally against<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mgkMdUGo_Ds/U728T-GGUvI/AAAAAAAAA3s/BUv1NbiT6xM/s1600/IMG_4872.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mgkMdUGo_Ds/U728T-GGUvI/AAAAAAAAA3s/BUv1NbiT6xM/s1600/IMG_4872.JPG" height="425" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">fight back</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04451723111629404085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574814.post-39846064886590808682014-07-04T18:25:00.001+10:002014-07-04T18:25:07.993+10:00new haunt<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vFz5mTpxu-4/U7ZkojTBhmI/AAAAAAAAA3U/79qA_sebWJQ/s1600/favehaunt.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vFz5mTpxu-4/U7ZkojTBhmI/AAAAAAAAA3U/79qA_sebWJQ/s1600/favehaunt.jpg" height="640" width="480" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">new fave haunt</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04451723111629404085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574814.post-37011243609030851862014-07-04T18:24:00.002+10:002014-07-04T18:24:40.357+10:00winter view<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-vFz5mTpxu-4/U7ZkojTBhmI/AAAAAAAAA3M/w_HlUs7zYJg/s1600/favehaunt.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></a></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zgECV8NvJxg/U7Zko0-FAwI/AAAAAAAAA3Q/rJwrq7uNiHc/s1600/graf.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zgECV8NvJxg/U7Zko0-FAwI/AAAAAAAAA3Q/rJwrq7uNiHc/s1600/graf.jpg" height="640" width="364" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">winter-y</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04451723111629404085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574814.post-18579564056192218912014-07-04T18:23:00.002+10:002014-07-04T18:23:45.120+10:00journey girls<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjS5JqWgCn3eZwP4HZdo-mH58LybRAdtlp_jHV2MKkhaWcYYUDzLQpt74VCdXPkPDRXrBeIVGAC7ZoqwXTbKydG77MszlUrd55cnqx4MeAtYJcKsQQEYYNoSeWZ0v-_QsWY9sUS/s1600/journeygirls.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjS5JqWgCn3eZwP4HZdo-mH58LybRAdtlp_jHV2MKkhaWcYYUDzLQpt74VCdXPkPDRXrBeIVGAC7ZoqwXTbKydG77MszlUrd55cnqx4MeAtYJcKsQQEYYNoSeWZ0v-_QsWY9sUS/s1600/journeygirls.jpg" height="454" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">journey girls</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04451723111629404085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574814.post-8511298955384803552014-07-04T18:22:00.003+10:002014-07-04T18:23:04.582+10:00rooftops<br />
<br />
<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04451723111629404085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574814.post-64054891048393918562014-04-01T14:03:00.002+11:002014-07-04T18:22:53.777+10:00moment<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04451723111629404085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574814.post-37590083408628177342012-02-20T07:57:00.001+11:002012-02-20T07:59:06.567+11:00missing<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-IZC1DWVk_SI/T0FeJ_itpCI/AAAAAAAAAl8/zgzB90uLVK0/s1600/paste-up-line-up.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="300" width="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-IZC1DWVk_SI/T0FeJ_itpCI/AAAAAAAAAl8/zgzB90uLVK0/s400/paste-up-line-up.jpg" /></a></div><br />
missing is a little bit like wishing. you wish that it could be a different way, and you miss all the characteristics about something that made it what it is, or was.<br />
<br />
in my case, lets be honest, i'm missing someone i considered my best friend. and while it might not have been such a great time for them (as there were pretty challenging circumstances surrounding the last phase of my life these past few years), it seems ironic that... almost the minute they're not around, i start to be able to do all the things again that we enjoyed together. like the pressure is off, and i can do all those enjoyable things again, like dancing to good music, going to be the beach, wandering the streets taking photos of graffiti, walking to chinatown for dumplings, nites out having drinks with friends and hanging out in the sun.<br />
<br />
i have to accept that they chose a different path, but one part of me can't help but wish that they were around, hanging with my crew, to now take part in this new phase. of course, i've got other friends to share these times with, and i do, but there is that twinge every now and again, that wishes they were part of this renewed adventure too.<br />
<br />
i do think that life can pass you by pretty quickly, and whatever differences are better worked out, because as we all know (or should do, and if not, are learning), nothing is forever, and if we're only on this planet for a certain amount of time, then when we're truly gone for good, would we have missed not sharing at least some of those moments. i know i would.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04451723111629404085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574814.post-43403115577754428312012-02-06T19:17:00.000+11:002012-02-06T19:17:19.817+11:00soulmates<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdDsNvFjf-VFtLPKiXIwY-5FvqCMONAFkIq9uYBavnZccxsKoM30_8fbKAbKUzhjmnzJp6DNUd_RhOGqW3sT8qBMBdJaXLBw21oN0iDVDDMuaU5FTjCc0KKi-8n5nyjc3EVBIb/s1600/soulmates.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="400" width="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdDsNvFjf-VFtLPKiXIwY-5FvqCMONAFkIq9uYBavnZccxsKoM30_8fbKAbKUzhjmnzJp6DNUd_RhOGqW3sT8qBMBdJaXLBw21oN0iDVDDMuaU5FTjCc0KKi-8n5nyjc3EVBIb/s400/soulmates.jpg" /></a></div><br />
i ran into a quote online today, that seemed pretty poignant:<br />
<br />
<i>"Maybe your soulmate is... the person who forces your soul to grow the most. Not all growth feels good." - Rabbi Ari</i><br />
<br />
and perhaps this is really true. it's a topic that i've been thinking about a bit lately, and i do wonder, when you need to clean up your act, who else might you listen to and then actually act upon these comments? okay, in my case, i didn't start to really act until it was too late - but i think had i heard it from anyone else, i still wouldn't have even begun to sort out my shit in the way that i'm taking the steps now.<br />
<br />
so while i should have made bigger steps far sooner, because that person deserved to be hanging around the awesome me (not the one that i hadn't noticed that i'd even become in the past year or so), its not too late to clean my act up, even if now, its only for myself.<br />
<br />
but i do think that when you really feel someone is your soulmate, it always remains so. so because of this, that growth is inspired by them, even if it is now a hard road to take.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04451723111629404085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574814.post-86323453568253453362012-02-06T18:13:00.000+11:002012-02-06T18:13:09.864+11:00wishing<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3dXQZGFoJ_k/Tyi3OnvHQzI/AAAAAAAAAi8/fkbyBAWB0WU/s1600/iwishthiswere.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="291" width="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3dXQZGFoJ_k/Tyi3OnvHQzI/AAAAAAAAAi8/fkbyBAWB0WU/s400/iwishthiswere.jpg" /></a></div><br />
i think its only natural that when a situation changes suddenly, you long for how things were. even if they weren't ideal. (because ultimately, there is no perfect person, situation or other entity.)<br />
<br />
thats the thing, when things aren't great, you sometimes focus on only the bad, and when they're gone, all of a sudden you start to realise all the good parts about a something that you had perhaps been overlooking. while its a shock to realise all the good things walk away, and that the things that troubled you aren't actually that much of a big deal (and of course you could live with) - it is a good moment to take stock.<br />
<br />
that is the big lesson in appreciating what you have at the time, because nothing is guaranteed and nothing lasts forever. (even if you really truly believe that things are going to last as close as possible to that concept of forever.)<br />
<br />
if you don't do this every once in a while (preferably before the crisis happens) then you can't see the wood from the trees. you need to look up and view the sky and the clouds, rather than only seeing the concrete footpath you're treading on, one step after another.<br />
<br />
so - no taking things for granted. okay. life changes every second, it gets better, it gets worse - either way, it changes. and that very precious thing to you, in the next moment, might be gone...Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04451723111629404085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574814.post-25290007324915673502012-01-24T06:09:00.044+11:002012-01-24T08:31:12.555+11:00whether or not<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Yx8xwNA763Q/TxjYLIYxdMI/AAAAAAAAAhk/3gEf2qpwVV8/s1600/change.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="300" width="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Yx8xwNA763Q/TxjYLIYxdMI/AAAAAAAAAhk/3gEf2qpwVV8/s400/change.jpg" /></a></div><br />
...i like it, right now is a time of change.<br />
<br />
i didn't choose it, but that is often what happens in life - events are out of your control. if choices had been offered, i might have pulled my stripey socks up, packed my bags and reconfigured my life in a way that i ultimately know (now) is a much better one for me. <br />
<br />
perhaps there is something though, in returning to past spaces, taking a trip down memory lane, only to realise that it isn't the same lane you remember at all. it is no longer bathed in the rose-coloured hues you once thought it was (and perhaps it was back then, but no longer). turning around and taking that step back there does help in the end, because ultimately it helps you realise how far you have come. how you have grown since those days, and once you <i>actually</i> face your demons - those little voices in your head that tell you everyone will remember you as someone that you no longer are not (and yes, people do remember you as that person, but you can correct them) - by staring them down, they shrink down to a more miniature version that is completely manageable.<br />
<br />
imagination is an amazing thing. it allows you to dream futures, utopias and new worlds. on the flipside though, if you let it get the better of you, those over inflated demons who you've completely resurrected from the ghostly past seem far more real and tangible. until, that is, you take a stick, poke them and realise they're made up of nothing more than your fears. <br />
<br />
and the funny thing about fears (well, its probably not funny), but that's all that they are. fears. they're not this moment. they're just something that sits in front of you taunting you that they could realise themselves in the next moment. whether they do or not - in my case, a big fear of mine came into being (perhaps because i voiced it out aloud, rather than seeing it as only a fear and of no real consequence) - there is a life that continues afterwards. perhaps not the one that my beautiful imagination had conjured up and hoped for, but there are other people to interact with, other friends to see, other conversations to have, other paths to be explored and adventures to have, and other soundtracks.<br />
<br />
because once you turn again to face forward, you can then realise how far you have come since those days of your rose-tinted past, how you've grown (into the person you are right this very minute) and how you have the ability to (yes, imagine) but also take sure steps to make sure the future is one that you want it to be.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04451723111629404085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574814.post-74279331317802305152012-01-23T07:47:00.047+11:002012-01-24T08:10:09.056+11:00step towards the future<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1fWrhWMc1bphktzAFSV0fZLL8UsFXj3oCEr5Go8yxJRAenm8MQUFbckzSevofA-3iItepznFHwYmky5o50L_z7s6zP7mukffbTiW6f6hAf58gCE2UYdhFrWGzYq-KZ6pSevjJ/s1600/intransit.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="400" width="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1fWrhWMc1bphktzAFSV0fZLL8UsFXj3oCEr5Go8yxJRAenm8MQUFbckzSevofA-3iItepznFHwYmky5o50L_z7s6zP7mukffbTiW6f6hAf58gCE2UYdhFrWGzYq-KZ6pSevjJ/s400/intransit.jpg" /></a></div><br />
it is a very poignant question that was posed to me recently: "why can't you leave the past in the past"? at the time my response (which damn well needed to be far more considered) was "because it is part of my present". by which i meant: i have returned to a city that holds many memories for me - many that i thought i had forgotten in the recent years that i hadn't been living in this city. however, upon returning, the sights, sounds and smells, the same architecture, seasons and stirrings of the city brought these memories rushing back to me on a daily basis. those paths that i had trodden so many times, so many layered stories there, that despite me beginning to build a new (albeit temporary) life in this city, reminded me of those many times in the past. some incredibly formative moments of my life, that have - whether for better or for worse - forged parts of who i am today. while i thought i had done many things over the past couple of years, and that i am a much stronger person, those memories too, were really quite strong.<br />
<br />
returning to the question though, of why i haven't been able to leave all of my past in my past, to be completely honest, i haven't brought myself fully face to face with it - till the last few months and really till now. while i've been working through many things over the last seven years, there are just some things that, whether i was aware of it or not (many things i wasn't) i just haven't sat myself down, given myself the space and taken a good hard look at those experiences. the last of them that popped out into my present needed sorting through in terms of what i have learned from these previous moments of my life, and placed them carefully and graciously in a location where i can appreciate those good times and learn from the difficult ones. i had begun to do this (in fact quite a lot over the past 18 months), but whatever efforts i was making, weren't hardcore enough.<br />
<br />
instead, i let these shadows infiltrate my present in a way that damaged something very special to me. as a result, i have some significant regrets - and that is something that i have tried to live my life without. i have tried to live as honestly and truthfully to myself (and to others) as i possibly can, and to not regret having done or not done something. so regret is something that is not a particularly familiar feeling. it is a bit of a newcomer to my life, and not a very welcome one.<br />
<br />
my regret, in one way, takes the form of having not really come to know myself well enough so that i can catch myself if i think i might be starting to head down the wrong path for me in physical, mental and metaphorical senses. and while i think that there are several paths that can be traversed - often consecutively - i find that i have the tendency to prioritise work paths over personal paths. for some reason, out of a sense of retaining my reputation in a work capacity, i rarely step away entirely away from a situation, or demand that it is configured in a way that better suits me or my well being. i feel duty-bound to make whatever i'm doing happen, despite the impossibility of a situation or the fact it might not play out well for my sense of self or indeed my overall health. as a result, the stress that i take onboard to make something happen is sometimes well beyond what i'm capable of delivering. this means that i haven't been able to treat myself well or take care of myself properly, and this is in turn transferred to others. so much so, that sometimes they choose to walk away. that is a big blow.<br />
<br />
a wake-up call such as this one i am experiencing right now is a big deal indeed. and these are very big lessons to take on board, some of which are:<br />
* knowing yourself well enough so that you know when you're heading down the wrong path<br />
* making sure that you're always able to re-negotiate situations to make them work in more constructive ways<br />
* always taking the time to assess the situation, basically, like a regular checking of the temperature gauge<br />
* working as thoroughly as you can through your shit before entering new situations so as not to hurt or affect others, especially those closest to you<br />
<br />
what now for me? well one of the things that i can do is listen quite intently to that question that was posed (i'm sure it was said many times previously, i just didn't hear it being said before, and it needed the dramatic delivery before i would really look up and pay attention). that question was demanded for a reason, and for my future wellbeing, it is imperative that i now address it.<br />
<br />
so now, i am preparing to leave my past behind and step into my future. <br />
<br />
i'm sure this will take more focus, energy and commitment than i can conceive that it will, but i can't continue to allow my past shit to damage myself or anyone else that steps into my life. i no longer want past fears to erode anything that i might have in the future, and i need to face these fears head on. basically, i've had enough of my own shit.<br />
<br />
i won't run from it, i won't hide it (or i wouldn't be blogging about it) and i have to have the courage to face it. Why?<br />
<br />
because ultimately i need to be the best person that i can be and truly deserve to become. while life might be incredibly tough right now, i want my future to be spectacular. i want to be open to opportunities for adventure, new directions, friendship, intimacy and perhaps again even real love.<br />
<br />
i know that i have the capacity to give and offer these things listed here, in very deep and meaningful ways, and i don't want any of the fears of the past to trip me up again in the future - so that i can deliver on the things that i am capable of offering, and so that these same things can also be delivered to me in ways that i can really accept and appreciate them.<br />
<br />
what i do know, is that if i don't know myself well enough, i won't support myself in ways that allow me to be the best possible person that i can be for myself and for whoever is part of my life in the future. part of this process is really facing my past, and even though i've done these things before, really giving it my all to say to some of those people, events and experiences from back then and long ago - thankyou, i love you and goodbye.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04451723111629404085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574814.post-79648906254678734472012-01-19T07:11:00.010+11:002012-01-19T11:31:00.243+11:00dreams, goals and otherwise<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Nc5QSg6lTgg/TxdkEtVgYwI/AAAAAAAAAhI/Vj1TkeC4Llo/s1600/future.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="300" width="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Nc5QSg6lTgg/TxdkEtVgYwI/AAAAAAAAAhI/Vj1TkeC4Llo/s400/future.jpg" /></a></div><br />
when you go through a massive and sudden change in life, all your dreams are thrown up into the air. like a pack of cards on a windy day, the gusts pick them up and scatter them in all directions. as you rush around trying to catch them, some are blown out of your reach, and some you can't seem to locate at all.<br />
<br />
for me, many of my dreams were pretty well close by, but they were still goals that had yet to be actualised. all i thought i needed was one last chance to get one last opportunity up my sleeve. this delay, this side-step, wasn't worth it.<br />
<br />
ever since i was a little kid i've always wanted to live in europe. in 2007/2008 i managed to spend a year living there and when i realised then that i had to return to australia for reasons that were, at the time out of my control, it is no secret that several were tears shed.<br />
<br />
when i left europe, i was lucky enough to be thrown a life-line, a way back to the place where my heart has always felt like it belonged. yet life happened and i was delayed for too long; incredibly stressful work, an injury that completely baffled professionals (i'm only told this now), and then the need to raise the mulah in order to launch me back onto the path of my desire.<br />
<br />
seems the universe had other plans for me, and i'm not entirely sure why right now i have to be on this path, rather than that of my dreams, hopes and desires. yet i still believe in those fundamentals, that ultimately i'm supposed to be <i>out there</i> in the world.<br />
<br />
funny thing was, i tried to set up a home in an apartment rather than just a base (perhaps this is what the universe and i didn't agree on at the time, and now i see that the universe knows me better than i know myself). now that i'm living out of a backpack again a little more frequently, it seems more natural. more in harmony with how i should be in the world. it's familiar. and now that i can walk (and even dance) again, i can haul that heavy backpack (containing anything i might just need at any moment) onto my back, and i set off. mobility, transit and the sense of adventure that comes with it are the things that bring warmth into my soul.<br />
<br />
yet while i'm here (at least part of the time), i might as well make the most of it, utilising the resources that i have at hand - a whole research library at the tip of my fingers might just hold the clues to the map. to be honest, while i'm here this also means rather than just being spooked, i have to finish clearing my ghostly skeletons out of the closet. so perhaps i am actually meant to be back here to finish the job off, once and for all.<br />
<br />
in the longer term tho, i can't and won't let myself give up on those dreams and goals. they might not eventuate in the way i had hoped for. some of those cards seem out of my grasp... all i can do is wonder how the future will evolve.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04451723111629404085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574814.post-33663850608881450102012-01-18T07:31:00.000+11:002012-01-23T11:04:34.283+11:00how do you shine in your darkest hour?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/somayalangley/6721546321/"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXndcYoOsUxtWLrn6C3QZXGFK4cyKhTWB-shlgddgt813qwhdSA9OFDk8RPdR3MWJqaUMpi-hiKJfEYUtj-AF7xaOVZMPSUeX1L65lUcKHroGLT2hBdVBYgvLpngcZj61AGuHN/s1600/nightflower.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="300" width="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXndcYoOsUxtWLrn6C3QZXGFK4cyKhTWB-shlgddgt813qwhdSA9OFDk8RPdR3MWJqaUMpi-hiKJfEYUtj-AF7xaOVZMPSUeX1L65lUcKHroGLT2hBdVBYgvLpngcZj61AGuHN/s400/nightflower.jpg" /></a></a></div><br />
this is a very good question indeed. and perhaps it is necessary for everyone to hit the bottom at least once in their life. while at this point in my life, i have stumbled pretty hard (come a cropper infact), i am trying to see it as a gift - giving me the time and space in order to build my life up from scratch. like lego blocks - carefully selecting them and then connected each together and this time around actually checking that each of the blocks are the ones that i really need in my life, and that the connections are super-solid, so that i have the durability and resilience to take whatever comes.<br />
<br />
the way that i've arrived here isn't easy, but it probably wasn't meant to be. otherwise, i wouldn't have really stopped in my tracks and listened to what i was being called on. something needed to make me stand still, and whilst i was working through the various suitcases of metaphorical baggage, piece by piece, what i probably needed to do was to take some time out, shut and the door, and do a massive spring clean. and so it seems that universe has delivered me just what i need: the space to do this. even if the universe has taken away my most valued aspect of my life, it has ultimately given me what i probably really need, whether i like it or not.<br />
<br />
for the past year i've felt i've had the weight of the world sitting heavily on my shoulders, and now that some of the intensity of this has been taken away, despite the challenging situation i find myself in, i do feel a little lighter. for me that weight of responsibility and unseemingly resolvable situation plays out as depression. this for myself happens when i'm feeling trapped or stuck in a particular situation, as if it is never going to change or resolve. but i sometimes forget that everything changes, every moment in life is just that, and change is constant. now that pressure has been taken off, and i can make decisions for myself, i don't feel wedded to the decisions that i've made (even though i felt like i was making them for the right reasons at the time), and i can begin to shake some of this depression off.<br />
<br />
of course i feel intensely sad about the way in which the sudden change in my life has come about, but this is a different kind of sadness. the depression i felt came with taking a particular parth, and one i felt i had to travel down for too long - now this is no longer necessary.<br />
<br />
while i might not get to live in the places i hoped i would in the future, or with the people i honestly thought i would share my life with forever, there are some parts of me that are starting to feel a little more free. with every intensely black hour is a glimmer of light that comes from what sometimes seems like a black hole. at least with lives, black holes are not infinite and never last forever. that is something very important to remember, especially if we are willing to shift things and make changes.<br />
<br />
and so, what i have to remind myself of constantly, is that every moment is temporary, everything changes, and i have to appreciate the things that i have immediately around me because in the future moment, it will all shift again.<br />
<br />
so keeping this in mind, it is now the time to start re-imagining my future, with the knowledge that everything comes and goes and the belief that a far better life will emerge from this time.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04451723111629404085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574814.post-86023748176739284312012-01-17T07:23:00.005+11:002012-01-18T07:16:05.480+11:00all i needed was a holiday<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8ozoPq1Bax8/TxR7YEGywHI/AAAAAAAAAgY/4qV98eSXiYM/s1600/poolside4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="400" width="300" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8ozoPq1Bax8/TxR7YEGywHI/AAAAAAAAAgY/4qV98eSXiYM/s400/poolside4.jpg" /></a></div><br />
december is a weird time of year for me. there is history to it, and unfortunately last year i let it get the better of me. i can usually rein it in (at least to some degree), but there were other far more intense factors at play. it wasn't just that history though, those other factors came in droves, and came together in way that i've never quite experienced in my life before. i know i have a tendency to attract drama, but this time the drama seemed to mold itself into a whole new monstrous form (much like the stink spirit in Miyazaki's <i>Spirited Away</i>) - charging in from all angles & from all aspects of my life: then i cracked. <br />
<i>(how i cracked is definitely not something to be proud of, and again was reminiscent of the stink spirit's purging in the bath house in bottom world...)</i><br />
<br />
now hindsight is that wonderful thing where you realise there were many other ways to approach something. yet, the past cannot be altered. i'm always a believer in a plan B... or through to a plan Z, if necessary. for some reason i had blinkers on, and i saw a single approach as the only solution. or perhaps i didn't see at all...<br />
<br />
of course i'm trying to find reasons why i ended up where i did, and it comes down to (at least) two things:<br />
* taking on too much responsibility so as not to have adequate time to think through options and find the best approach<br />
* not taking proper care of myself<br />
<br />
these are hard lessons to learn, very hard lessons indeed - especially if there have been negative consequences of not taking these actions previously.<br />
<br />
in the pressure cooker of my mind, i felt that i had to be superhuman; to continue to plow through it all - rather than demand time-out for myself, in order to re-strategise.<br />
<br />
turns out, all i probably needed was a holiday. <br />
<br />
with that space brings some clarity. then its simpler to speak right from the heart, rather than a overwhelmed troubled mind.<br />
<br />
my lessons are my lessons to learn alone, but if any of you want to glean something from this, then a few of these lessons i'm having to learn (or perhaps re-learn) are:<br />
* the first solution is not always the right solution<br />
* taking the time for yourself is of utmost importance, otherwise you're of no use to anyone else<br />
<br />
so as we edge nearer the start of the year of the dragon, now that all the bunny fur has been singed, yet again, this dragon will breathe a ring of fire around her, setting boundaries for who accesses her space (both physical and headspace) and how they go about it.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04451723111629404085noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574814.post-89235205817508328342012-01-16T13:58:00.001+11:002012-01-17T07:36:01.494+11:00here<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrKcZ2SGOZr2GMQToD1x511q54dKIig1Q3ICtSK2SCuxWVvCtvR_Q_JQagAsZVYiEnne3YaHChBGgzjNZTyL1hFipafjxLPUDVHvDSl6BkO-flOB6Zf_Fwa_TpgA3Ju_7sY4Cv/s1600/pearatnight.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="400" width="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrKcZ2SGOZr2GMQToD1x511q54dKIig1Q3ICtSK2SCuxWVvCtvR_Q_JQagAsZVYiEnne3YaHChBGgzjNZTyL1hFipafjxLPUDVHvDSl6BkO-flOB6Zf_Fwa_TpgA3Ju_7sY4Cv/s400/pearatnight.jpg" /></a></div><br />
i've taken photos of many <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/somayalangley/sets/72157600859058617/">lost objects</a> over my years of traversing various cities in the world. <br />
<br />
what i haven't taken the time to do is to reflect; reflect on the images of the moments that i capture, on my life as it is, on my trajectory. this is a fundamental mistake to make, at least in my case.<br />
<br />
life got caught up in a whirlwind, too much work, too few dollars, two timezones, rushing from one thing to the next until an almightly thunderstorm like i've never experienced before. when the hurricane subsided i was forced to stop and look at what remained in the debris.<br />
<br />
and what that is that remains, is me. and the things that i bring to the world.<br />
<br />
of course i've lost some incredibly special things now. infact, the most precious thing that i've ever had in my life - and that's hard to admit that it was, and that now it is gone.<br />
<br />
what throws me, is that usually i know how to somehow make something work - generally gaffer taping it together will do the trick. but, this time through vast amounts of miscommunication and misinterpretation and many things i said, all the while under too much pressure and in the heat of the moment, that i never meant <i>at all</i>, i've managed to turn something that was real into a complete mess. perhaps two cultures and two languages also played their part, though i'm not convinced about that.<br />
<br />
i do know if you really truly are in love with a person, then you have to let them follow their dream and their heart, and that is all i have the capacity to do right now.<br />
<br />
so, i've made mistakes and taken wrong turns, and i've found myself here.<br />
<br />
taking photographs of <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/somayalangley/sets/72157600859058617/">lost things</a> & starting to write again....Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04451723111629404085noreply@blogger.com0