wishing

i think its only natural that when a situation changes suddenly, you long for how things were. even if they weren't ideal. (because ultimately, there is no perfect person, situation or other entity.)

thats the thing, when things aren't great, you sometimes focus on only the bad, and when they're gone, all of a sudden you start to realise all the good parts about a something that you had perhaps been overlooking. while its a shock to realise all the good things walk away, and that the things that troubled you aren't actually that much of a big deal (and of course you could live with) - it is a good moment to take stock.

that is the big lesson in appreciating what you have at the time, because nothing is guaranteed and nothing lasts forever. (even if you really truly believe that things are going to last as close as possible to that concept of forever.)

if you don't do this every once in a while (preferably before the crisis happens) then you can't see the wood from the trees. you need to look up and view the sky and the clouds, rather than only seeing the concrete footpath you're treading on, one step after another.

so - no taking things for granted. okay. life changes every second, it gets better, it gets worse - either way, it changes. and that very precious thing to you, in the next moment, might be gone...

dreams, goals and otherwise

when you go through a massive and sudden change in life, all your dreams are thrown up into the air. like a pack of cards on a windy day, the gusts pick them up and scatter them in all directions. as you rush around trying to catch them, some are blown out of your reach, and some you can't seem to locate at all.

for me, many of my dreams were pretty well close by, but they were still goals that had yet to be actualised. all i thought i needed was one last chance to get one last opportunity up my sleeve. this delay, this side-step, wasn't worth it.

ever since i was a little kid i've always wanted to live in europe. in 2007/2008 i managed to spend a year living there and when i realised then that i had to return to australia for reasons that were, at the time out of my control, it is no secret that several were tears shed.

when i left europe, i was lucky enough to be thrown a life-line, a way back to the place where my heart has always felt like it belonged. yet life happened and i was delayed for too long; incredibly stressful work, an injury that completely baffled professionals (i'm only told this now), and then the need to raise the mulah in order to launch me back onto the path of my desire.

seems the universe had other plans for me, and i'm not entirely sure why right now i have to be on this path, rather than that of my dreams, hopes and desires. yet i still believe in those fundamentals, that ultimately i'm supposed to be out there in the world.

funny thing was, i tried to set up a home in an apartment rather than just a base (perhaps this is what the universe and i didn't agree on at the time, and now i see that the universe knows me better than i know myself). now that i'm living out of a backpack again a little more frequently, it seems more natural. more in harmony with how i should be in the world. it's familiar. and now that i can walk (and even dance) again, i can haul that heavy backpack (containing anything i might just need at any moment) onto my back, and i set off. mobility, transit and the sense of adventure that comes with it are the things that bring warmth into my soul.

yet while i'm here (at least part of the time), i might as well make the most of it, utilising the resources that i have at hand - a whole research library at the tip of my fingers might just hold the clues to the map. to be honest, while i'm here this also means rather than just being spooked, i have to finish clearing my ghostly skeletons out of the closet. so perhaps i am actually meant to be back here to finish the job off, once and for all.

in the longer term tho, i can't and won't let myself give up on those dreams and goals. they might not eventuate in the way i had hoped for. some of those cards seem out of my grasp... all i can do is wonder how the future will evolve.