how do you shine in your darkest hour?

this is a very good question indeed. and perhaps it is necessary for everyone to hit the bottom at least once in their life. while at this point in my life, i have stumbled pretty hard (come a cropper infact), i am trying to see it as a gift - giving me the time and space in order to build my life up from scratch. like lego blocks - carefully selecting them and then connected each together and this time around actually checking that each of the blocks are the ones that i really need in my life, and that the connections are super-solid, so that i have the durability and resilience to take whatever comes.

the way that i've arrived here isn't easy, but it probably wasn't meant to be. otherwise, i wouldn't have really stopped in my tracks and listened to what i was being called on. something needed to make me stand still, and whilst i was working through the various suitcases of metaphorical baggage, piece by piece, what i probably needed to do was to take some time out, shut and the door, and do a massive spring clean. and so it seems that universe has delivered me just what i need: the space to do this. even if the universe has taken away my most valued aspect of my life, it has ultimately given me what i probably really need, whether i like it or not.

for the past year i've felt i've had the weight of the world sitting heavily on my shoulders, and now that some of the intensity of this has been taken away, despite the challenging situation i find myself in, i do feel a little lighter. for me that weight of responsibility and unseemingly resolvable situation plays out as depression. this for myself happens when i'm feeling trapped or stuck in a particular situation, as if it is never going to change or resolve. but i sometimes forget that everything changes, every moment in life is just that, and change is constant. now that pressure has been taken off, and i can make decisions for myself, i don't feel wedded to the decisions that i've made (even though i felt like i was making them for the right reasons at the time), and i can begin to shake some of this depression off.

of course i feel intensely sad about the way in which the sudden change in my life has come about, but this is a different kind of sadness. the depression i felt came with taking a particular parth, and one i felt i had to travel down for too long - now this is no longer necessary.

while i might not get to live in the places i hoped i would in the future, or with the people i honestly thought i would share my life with forever, there are some parts of me that are starting to feel a little more free. with every intensely black hour is a glimmer of light that comes from what sometimes seems like a black hole. at least with lives, black holes are not infinite and never last forever. that is something very important to remember, especially if we are willing to shift things and make changes.

and so, what i have to remind myself of constantly, is that every moment is temporary, everything changes, and i have to appreciate the things that i have immediately around me because in the future moment, it will all shift again.

so keeping this in mind, it is now the time to start re-imagining my future, with the knowledge that everything comes and goes and the belief that a far better life will emerge from this time.

all i needed was a holiday

december is a weird time of year for me. there is history to it, and unfortunately last year i let it get the better of me. i can usually rein it in (at least to some degree), but there were other far more intense factors at play. it wasn't just that history though, those other factors came in droves, and came together in way that i've never quite experienced in my life before. i know i have a tendency to attract drama, but this time the drama seemed to mold itself into a whole new monstrous form (much like the stink spirit in Miyazaki's Spirited Away) - charging in from all angles & from all aspects of my life: then i cracked.
(how i cracked is definitely not something to be proud of, and again was reminiscent of the stink spirit's purging in the bath house in bottom world...)

now hindsight is that wonderful thing where you realise there were many other ways to approach something. yet, the past cannot be altered. i'm always a believer in a plan B... or through to a plan Z, if necessary. for some reason i had blinkers on, and i saw a single approach as the only solution. or perhaps i didn't see at all...

of course i'm trying to find reasons why i ended up where i did, and it comes down to (at least) two things:
* taking on too much responsibility so as not to have adequate time to think through options and find the best approach
* not taking proper care of myself

these are hard lessons to learn, very hard lessons indeed - especially if there have been negative consequences of not taking these actions previously.

in the pressure cooker of my mind, i felt that i had to be superhuman; to continue to plow through it all - rather than demand time-out for myself, in order to re-strategise.

turns out, all i probably needed was a holiday.

with that space brings some clarity. then its simpler to speak right from the heart, rather than a overwhelmed troubled mind.

my lessons are my lessons to learn alone, but if any of you want to glean something from this, then a few of these lessons i'm having to learn (or perhaps re-learn) are:
* the first solution is not always the right solution
* taking the time for yourself is of utmost importance, otherwise you're of no use to anyone else

so as we edge nearer the start of the year of the dragon, now that all the bunny fur has been singed, yet again, this dragon will breathe a ring of fire around her, setting boundaries for who accesses her space (both physical and headspace) and how they go about it.

here

i've taken photos of many lost objects over my years of traversing various cities in the world.

what i haven't taken the time to do is to reflect; reflect on the images of the moments that i capture, on my life as it is, on my trajectory. this is a fundamental mistake to make, at least in my case.

life got caught up in a whirlwind, too much work, too few dollars, two timezones, rushing from one thing to the next until an almightly thunderstorm like i've never experienced before. when the hurricane subsided i was forced to stop and look at what remained in the debris.

and what that is that remains, is me. and the things that i bring to the world.

of course i've lost some incredibly special things now. infact, the most precious thing that i've ever had in my life - and that's hard to admit that it was, and that now it is gone.

what throws me, is that usually i know how to somehow make something work - generally gaffer taping it together will do the trick. but, this time through vast amounts of miscommunication and misinterpretation and many things i said, all the while under too much pressure and in the heat of the moment, that i never meant at all, i've managed to turn something that was real into a complete mess. perhaps two cultures and two languages also played their part, though i'm not convinced about that.

i do know if you really truly are in love with a person, then you have to let them follow their dream and their heart, and that is all i have the capacity to do right now.

so, i've made mistakes and taken wrong turns, and i've found myself here.

taking photographs of lost things & starting to write again....

2009 - 2011 - stuff happened

[some good, some really bad]

liquid architecture 10

photo: jodi rose

Performing in the Sydney leg of Liquid Architecture 10 in Concert Two - 27th June 2009, Performance Space, Carriage Works, Sydney.

finding - or so i thought

Somaya Langley & Christian Malejka

Finding
2008
photos: Berlin, Germany & Aegina, Greece

exhibited in Feathering the Nest, run by Garage Openings (Melody Ellis & Sarah Logan) in Yarralumla, Canberra

-----

GARAGE OPENINGS PRESENTS:
feathering the nest (a group mail art exhibition)

Opening Saturday 4 April 2009
6:00 - 8:00pm

66 Hopetoun Circuit Yarralumla ACT

Marc Alperstein
Jonathan Baskett
Zanny Begg
Lauren Brown
Kate Carr
Monica Carroll
Melody Ellis
Marc Freeman
Somaya Langley & Christian Malejka
Sarah Logan
Annette Marie
Paul McGee
Brendon McKinley
Sarah Mosca
Vedanta Nicholson
Kalina Pilat
Francesca Rendle-Short
Spyridon Simotas
Richard Spellman
Alison Spence
Sarah St Vincent Welch
Casey Temby
Nella Themelios
Amy Thompson
Stedman Watts
Zuza Zochowski

and more....

collars

Exhibition at Canberra Contemporary Art Space, Gorman House

27th March - 2nd May 2009

Opening: 18:00 Friday 27th March, opening speaker Martyn Jolley


Collared

…a collar is a thing that goes around the neck of a person, animal, or object…
Whether it be a crisply starched and ironed collar, a scruffy paint splattered striped pastel collar, or a zebra print shirt dress collar - a seemingly fragile textile fragment exudes a strong personality. A history is presumed, a position is assumed, a performance appropriate to status, wealth and office is expected. Simultaneously obvious and nuanced, the collar is embedded with wide cultural knowledge and reveals quirky sub-cultural significance.

Alexandra Gillespie and Somaya Langley’s collaborative exhibition of twenty highly individual collars are presented at the actual height of the previous owner from neck to feet. Arranged spatially in conversational groups, these highly fetishised personal adornments create an absent crowd, a crowd that speaks to both us, and each other, visually and audibly. Here coexistence is paramount as collars internal relationships interweave with the sensibilities of exhibition visitors.

Others such as Rafael Lozano-Hemmer utilise the absent crowd in their work. Standards and Double Standards (2004) creates a brooding and uneasy atmosphere by suspending fifty belts at waist height and having them rotate automatically to follow the movements of audiences in the exhibition space. The singularly unremarkable objects in multiple provoke a sense of surveillance and paternal authority, encouraging visitors to either subvert that authority and play with the movement, or submit to its intent and quickly move themselves on.

Langley’s and Gillespie’s artforms engage us far more intimately and viscerally with phrases garnered from the collars original owners - significant others in the artist’s lives - friends, family, colleagues and other artists. These text snippets are projected from within the textures and patterns that once caressed a treasured ones’ neck. One collar in the group lights up and a corresponding spatialised phrase whispers or reverberates around the room. Then another responds, and another, moving the narrative around the group, then from group to group, with random sequencing ensuring endless associations.

Some, such as the A SECURITY BLANKET green knitted collar, signify an immediate relationship with tightly emotionally bonded text, object and sound. Yet the intriguing yellow cotton of A CHINESE RESTAURANT, or the square embroidery detail on white of PALM TREES, SUN, IN L.A, make us wonder. It is these less obvious connections that extend an open invitation to the exhibition visitor to interweave our own memories and linkages within the works constantly shifting narrative.

Like the flexible electroluminescent strips slipped between the collars’ fabric layers to emit intimate phrases in cool white light, the artists slip us emotionally and intellectually between the unconscious, the coincidental and the considered. Collars resonates with subtle tales and intense recollections, generating intricate textures of identity and connection from a seemingly simple thing that goes around the neck.

Dr Melinda Rackham
March 2009





The artists would like to acknowledge our sponsors E-Lite and Sun Industries, and to thank Thylacine for the stands, Ben Lippmeier for the programming and Christian Malejka for audio contributions.

We extend our gratitude to the participants: Alessandra Pretto, Antonio Gambale, Caolan Mitchell, Govinda Lange, Jasmine Guffond, Joc Curran, Justine White, Lindsay Bingham, Maria-Eleni Alesandre, Marie-Louise Ayres, Melissa Penrose, Meredith Hughes, Michelle Fix, Nick Mariette, Nicole Leuning, Quentin Mitchell, Rod Gillespie, Rowena Jamieson, Rozi Suliman, Willow Fix Berry

tha ridge

with a few days off and a laptop that died only a few days prior, i somehow managed to do two gigs at peats ridge festival...

firstly, a daytime ID-i/o performance in collaboration with Queazel (Michael Norris) and Parking Sun (Dan Mackinlay)

photo: christian malejka

and then in the evening, a laptop quartet....

in transit again

TRANSIT LOUNGE 2009 : MOVING WHILE STANDING STILL

www.transitlounge.org/2009/

...has now been launched, with three conversations between the artists:
Anna Tautfest
Debbie White
Jordana Maisie
Muse-Me (Susanne Wimmer / Nadim Sara / Franziska Schreiber)
Nick Mariette
Gaby Bila-Günther
Steve Smart

dork collars

DorkbotCBRExhibition_MG_5351.jpg
Originally uploaded by gillespieA

Alexandra Gillespie's and my Collars collaboration project, on exhibition as part of Dorkbot Canberra, held at Canberra Contemporary Art Space, Manuka Gallery - November 2008.