all i needed was a holiday

december is a weird time of year for me. there is history to it, and unfortunately last year i let it get the better of me. i can usually rein it in (at least to some degree), but there were other far more intense factors at play. it wasn't just that history though, those other factors came in droves, and came together in way that i've never quite experienced in my life before. i know i have a tendency to attract drama, but this time the drama seemed to mold itself into a whole new monstrous form (much like the stink spirit in Miyazaki's Spirited Away) - charging in from all angles & from all aspects of my life: then i cracked.
(how i cracked is definitely not something to be proud of, and again was reminiscent of the stink spirit's purging in the bath house in bottom world...)

now hindsight is that wonderful thing where you realise there were many other ways to approach something. yet, the past cannot be altered. i'm always a believer in a plan B... or through to a plan Z, if necessary. for some reason i had blinkers on, and i saw a single approach as the only solution. or perhaps i didn't see at all...

of course i'm trying to find reasons why i ended up where i did, and it comes down to (at least) two things:
* taking on too much responsibility so as not to have adequate time to think through options and find the best approach
* not taking proper care of myself

these are hard lessons to learn, very hard lessons indeed - especially if there have been negative consequences of not taking these actions previously.

in the pressure cooker of my mind, i felt that i had to be superhuman; to continue to plow through it all - rather than demand time-out for myself, in order to re-strategise.

turns out, all i probably needed was a holiday.

with that space brings some clarity. then its simpler to speak right from the heart, rather than a overwhelmed troubled mind.

my lessons are my lessons to learn alone, but if any of you want to glean something from this, then a few of these lessons i'm having to learn (or perhaps re-learn) are:
* the first solution is not always the right solution
* taking the time for yourself is of utmost importance, otherwise you're of no use to anyone else

so as we edge nearer the start of the year of the dragon, now that all the bunny fur has been singed, yet again, this dragon will breathe a ring of fire around her, setting boundaries for who accesses her space (both physical and headspace) and how they go about it.