Wednesday, January 18, 2012

how do you shine in your darkest hour?

this is a very good question indeed. and perhaps it is necessary for everyone to hit the bottom at least once in their life. while at this point in my life, i have stumbled pretty hard (come a cropper infact), i am trying to see it as a gift - giving me the time and space in order to build my life up from scratch. like lego blocks - carefully selecting them and then connected each together and this time around actually checking that each of the blocks are the ones that i really need in my life, and that the connections are super-solid, so that i have the durability and resilience to take whatever comes.

the way that i've arrived here isn't easy, but it probably wasn't meant to be. otherwise, i wouldn't have really stopped in my tracks and listened to what i was being called on. something needed to make me stand still, and whilst i was working through the various suitcases of metaphorical baggage, piece by piece, what i probably needed to do was to take some time out, shut and the door, and do a massive spring clean. and so it seems that universe has delivered me just what i need: the space to do this. even if the universe has taken away my most valued aspect of my life, it has ultimately given me what i probably really need, whether i like it or not.

for the past year i've felt i've had the weight of the world sitting heavily on my shoulders, and now that some of the intensity of this has been taken away, despite the challenging situation i find myself in, i do feel a little lighter. for me that weight of responsibility and unseemingly resolvable situation plays out as depression. this for myself happens when i'm feeling trapped or stuck in a particular situation, as if it is never going to change or resolve. but i sometimes forget that everything changes, every moment in life is just that, and change is constant. now that pressure has been taken off, and i can make decisions for myself, i don't feel wedded to the decisions that i've made (even though i felt like i was making them for the right reasons at the time), and i can begin to shake some of this depression off.

of course i feel intensely sad about the way in which the sudden change in my life has come about, but this is a different kind of sadness. the depression i felt came with taking a particular parth, and one i felt i had to travel down for too long - now this is no longer necessary.

while i might not get to live in the places i hoped i would in the future, or with the people i honestly thought i would share my life with forever, there are some parts of me that are starting to feel a little more free. with every intensely black hour is a glimmer of light that comes from what sometimes seems like a black hole. at least with lives, black holes are not infinite and never last forever. that is something very important to remember, especially if we are willing to shift things and make changes.

and so, what i have to remind myself of constantly, is that every moment is temporary, everything changes, and i have to appreciate the things that i have immediately around me because in the future moment, it will all shift again.

so keeping this in mind, it is now the time to start re-imagining my future, with the knowledge that everything comes and goes and the belief that a far better life will emerge from this time.

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