Monday, January 23, 2012

step towards the future

it is a very poignant question that was posed to me recently: "why can't you leave the past in the past"? at the time my response (which damn well needed to be far more considered) was "because it is part of my present". by which i meant: i have returned to a city that holds many memories for me - many that i thought i had forgotten in the recent years that i hadn't been living in this city. however, upon returning, the sights, sounds and smells, the same architecture, seasons and stirrings of the city brought these memories rushing back to me on a daily basis. those paths that i had trodden so many times, so many layered stories there, that despite me beginning to build a new (albeit temporary) life in this city, reminded me of those many times in the past. some incredibly formative moments of my life, that have - whether for better or for worse - forged parts of who i am today. while i thought i had done many things over the past couple of years, and that i am a much stronger person, those memories too, were really quite strong.

returning to the question though, of why i haven't been able to leave all of my past in my past, to be completely honest, i haven't brought myself fully face to face with it - till the last few months and really till now. while i've been working through many things over the last seven years, there are just some things that, whether i was aware of it or not (many things i wasn't) i just haven't sat myself down, given myself the space and taken a good hard look at those experiences. the last of them that popped out into my present needed sorting through in terms of what i have learned from these previous moments of my life, and placed them carefully and graciously in a location where i can appreciate those good times and learn from the difficult ones. i had begun to do this (in fact quite a lot over the past 18 months), but whatever efforts i was making, weren't hardcore enough.

instead, i let these shadows infiltrate my present in a way that damaged something very special to me. as a result, i have some significant regrets - and that is something that i have tried to live my life without. i have tried to live as honestly and truthfully to myself (and to others) as i possibly can, and to not regret having done or not done something. so regret is something that is not a particularly familiar feeling. it is a bit of a newcomer to my life, and not a very welcome one.

my regret, in one way, takes the form of having not really come to know myself well enough so that i can catch myself if i think i might be starting to head down the wrong path for me in physical, mental and metaphorical senses. and while i think that there are several paths that can be traversed - often consecutively - i find that i have the tendency to prioritise work paths over personal paths. for some reason, out of a sense of retaining my reputation in a work capacity, i rarely step away entirely away from a situation, or demand that it is configured in a way that better suits me or my well being. i feel duty-bound to make whatever i'm doing happen, despite the impossibility of a situation or the fact it might not play out well for my sense of self or indeed my overall health. as a result, the stress that i take onboard to make something happen is sometimes well beyond what i'm capable of delivering. this means that i haven't been able to treat myself well or take care of myself properly, and this is in turn transferred to others. so much so, that sometimes they choose to walk away. that is a big blow.

a wake-up call such as this one i am experiencing right now is a big deal indeed. and these are very big lessons to take on board, some of which are:
* knowing yourself well enough so that you know when you're heading down the wrong path
* making sure that you're always able to re-negotiate situations to make them work in more constructive ways
* always taking the time to assess the situation, basically, like a regular checking of the temperature gauge
* working as thoroughly as you can through your shit before entering new situations so as not to hurt or affect others, especially those closest to you

what now for me? well one of the things that i can do is listen quite intently to that question that was posed (i'm sure it was said many times previously, i just didn't hear it being said before, and it needed the dramatic delivery before i would really look up and pay attention). that question was demanded for a reason, and for my future wellbeing, it is imperative that i now address it.

so now, i am preparing to leave my past behind and step into my future.

i'm sure this will take more focus, energy and commitment than i can conceive that it will, but i can't continue to allow my past shit to damage myself or anyone else that steps into my life. i no longer want past fears to erode anything that i might have in the future, and i need to face these fears head on. basically, i've had enough of my own shit.

i won't run from it, i won't hide it (or i wouldn't be blogging about it) and i have to have the courage to face it. Why?

because ultimately i need to be the best person that i can be and truly deserve to become. while life might be incredibly tough right now, i want my future to be spectacular. i want to be open to opportunities for adventure, new directions, friendship, intimacy and perhaps again even real love.

i know that i have the capacity to give and offer these things listed here, in very deep and meaningful ways, and i don't want any of the fears of the past to trip me up again in the future - so that i can deliver on the things that i am capable of offering, and so that these same things can also be delivered to me in ways that i can really accept and appreciate them.

what i do know, is that if i don't know myself well enough, i won't support myself in ways that allow me to be the best possible person that i can be for myself and for whoever is part of my life in the future. part of this process is really facing my past, and even though i've done these things before, really giving it my all to say to some of those people, events and experiences from back then and long ago - thankyou, i love you and goodbye.

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