rally against

fight back

new haunt

new fave haunt

winter view

winter-y

journey girls

journey girls

rooftops

roof tops

moment

moment

missing

missing is a little bit like wishing. you wish that it could be a different way, and you miss all the characteristics about something that made it what it is, or was.

in my case, lets be honest, i'm missing someone i considered my best friend. and while it might not have been such a great time for them (as there were pretty challenging circumstances surrounding the last phase of my life these past few years), it seems ironic that... almost the minute they're not around, i start to be able to do all the things again that we enjoyed together. like the pressure is off, and i can do all those enjoyable things again, like dancing to good music, going to be the beach, wandering the streets taking photos of graffiti, walking to chinatown for dumplings, nites out having drinks with friends and hanging out in the sun.

i have to accept that they chose a different path, but one part of me can't help but wish that they were around, hanging with my crew, to now take part in this new phase. of course, i've got other friends to share these times with, and i do, but there is that twinge every now and again, that wishes they were part of this renewed adventure too.

i do think that life can pass you by pretty quickly, and whatever differences are better worked out, because as we all know (or should do, and if not, are learning), nothing is forever, and if we're only on this planet for a certain amount of time, then when we're truly gone for good, would we have missed not sharing at least some of those moments. i know i would.

soulmates

i ran into a quote online today, that seemed pretty poignant:

"Maybe your soulmate is... the person who forces your soul to grow the most. Not all growth feels good." - Rabbi Ari

and perhaps this is really true. it's a topic that i've been thinking about a bit lately, and i do wonder, when you need to clean up your act, who else might you listen to and then actually act upon these comments? okay, in my case, i didn't start to really act until it was too late - but i think had i heard it from anyone else, i still wouldn't have even begun to sort out my shit in the way that i'm taking the steps now.

so while i should have made bigger steps far sooner, because that person deserved to be hanging around the awesome me (not the one that i hadn't noticed that i'd even become in the past year or so), its not too late to clean my act up, even if now, its only for myself.

but i do think that when you really feel someone is your soulmate, it always remains so. so because of this, that growth is inspired by them, even if it is now a hard road to take.

wishing

i think its only natural that when a situation changes suddenly, you long for how things were. even if they weren't ideal. (because ultimately, there is no perfect person, situation or other entity.)

thats the thing, when things aren't great, you sometimes focus on only the bad, and when they're gone, all of a sudden you start to realise all the good parts about a something that you had perhaps been overlooking. while its a shock to realise all the good things walk away, and that the things that troubled you aren't actually that much of a big deal (and of course you could live with) - it is a good moment to take stock.

that is the big lesson in appreciating what you have at the time, because nothing is guaranteed and nothing lasts forever. (even if you really truly believe that things are going to last as close as possible to that concept of forever.)

if you don't do this every once in a while (preferably before the crisis happens) then you can't see the wood from the trees. you need to look up and view the sky and the clouds, rather than only seeing the concrete footpath you're treading on, one step after another.

so - no taking things for granted. okay. life changes every second, it gets better, it gets worse - either way, it changes. and that very precious thing to you, in the next moment, might be gone...

whether or not

...i like it, right now is a time of change.

i didn't choose it, but that is often what happens in life - events are out of your control. if choices had been offered, i might have pulled my stripey socks up, packed my bags and reconfigured my life in a way that i ultimately know (now) is a much better one for me.

perhaps there is something though, in returning to past spaces, taking a trip down memory lane, only to realise that it isn't the same lane you remember at all. it is no longer bathed in the rose-coloured hues you once thought it was (and perhaps it was back then, but no longer). turning around and taking that step back there does help in the end, because ultimately it helps you realise how far you have come. how you have grown since those days, and once you actually face your demons - those little voices in your head that tell you everyone will remember you as someone that you no longer are not (and yes, people do remember you as that person, but you can correct them) - by staring them down, they shrink down to a more miniature version that is completely manageable.

imagination is an amazing thing. it allows you to dream futures, utopias and new worlds. on the flipside though, if you let it get the better of you, those over inflated demons who you've completely resurrected from the ghostly past seem far more real and tangible. until, that is, you take a stick, poke them and realise they're made up of nothing more than your fears.

and the funny thing about fears (well, its probably not funny), but that's all that they are. fears. they're not this moment. they're just something that sits in front of you taunting you that they could realise themselves in the next moment. whether they do or not - in my case, a big fear of mine came into being (perhaps because i voiced it out aloud, rather than seeing it as only a fear and of no real consequence) - there is a life that continues afterwards. perhaps not the one that my beautiful imagination had conjured up and hoped for, but there are other people to interact with, other friends to see, other conversations to have, other paths to be explored and adventures to have, and other soundtracks.

because once you turn again to face forward, you can then realise how far you have come since those days of your rose-tinted past, how you've grown (into the person you are right this very minute) and how you have the ability to (yes, imagine) but also take sure steps to make sure the future is one that you want it to be.